


I need to feel that I'm still alive

by Luni_Ambrose



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Cutting, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 10:51:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12079578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luni_Ambrose/pseuds/Luni_Ambrose
Summary: Trigger warning: This story contains self-harm! Don't read if you're getting triggered by that kind of content





	I need to feel that I'm still alive

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: This story contains self-harm! Don't read if you're getting triggered by that kind of content

Pain was something Alec needed…wanted…   
With all the pressure on him pain was some kind of relief. Letting go of everything.

A few months ago he had been wounded in battle, the cut on his left leg stinging but also giving him a strange, warm feeling.   
From that point on he harmed himself from time to time. Never using his runes to let them heal.   
Alec became distant to Magnus, preferring to stay in the institute at night. Magnus accepted silently.

At night Alec would lock his room, some classic music playing and a box of razor blades next to him.   
A few, deep cuts on his leg drawing blood. It was everything he needed. At least up to that point. The pain wasn’t enough.   
He remembered a mundies girl he had met in a bar. A big, ugly scar on her wrist. She had told him about cutting there, the pain much better than on every other part of her body.

Alec sighed. It would be worth a try. It was one smooth motion. Right through the skin. Blood pouring out of the cut.   
A weird sensation hitting him. It felt like…flying. The pain erasing everything else.   
Drops of blood hitting his legs and his bed. That was the moment he realized how bad that cut was. Panic washing over him. With shaking hands he grabbed his phone, dialing Magnus‘ number.

„Alexander, darling…“ Magnus voice soothing him in this special way.   
„I need you…here… Magnus. Hurry please.“ Alec’s voice slowly breaking as he watched more blood pouring out and a big circle of red forming on his bed.  
It wasn’t more that twenty seconds later as Magnus stepped out of the portal. And it just took one more second to realize what was wrong with Alec.

„It’s.. it’s not the way it looks…“ Alec said, sounding tired.   
One hand motion from Magnus and the cut was closed and the blood gone.  
Magnus sitting down on the edge of Alec’s bed, gently grabbing his hand.   
„Just relax, Alexander.“ He placed a kiss on where the cut had been just seconds before.

„I’m so sorry Magnus… this isn’t what it looks like.“ Alec’s whole body was shaking. „I just… I need the pain.“   
„Schhht… it’s okay. I’m here now, babyboy.“ Alec twitched at the name Magnus just called him. „Nothing I haven’t seen or done.“ A soft but sad smile on Magnus‘ lips. „I’m glad you called me, Alexander.“

Magnus let go of Alec’s hand, showing his own wrist and Alec saw the thin, white line right across the wrist.   
„Life isn’t an easy road. It never was and it'll never be, my dear. But I promise you I'll be there for you everytime you need me. I'll take care of you. With everything I have. Because I love you, Alexander. More than words can express.“

Alec was crying. He wasn’t really sure why but he did. Letting go. The tears washing away the sorrows in his mind. Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec’s trembling body, holding him close. That was everything Alec needed. No pain. Just love.


End file.
